We’ve all heard advice like “Think positive,” “Don’t overthink,” “Stay motivated,” “Believe in yourself,” or “Just let it go.” Most of us have probably offered some of it to someone else too.
Usually, we mean well. We want to encourage someone who’s struggling, reassure them or help them move forward.
But I’ve often wondered what we’re actually expecting someone to do when we say these things.
If you’re upset because something genuinely unfair happened, how do you suddenly “think positive”? If you’ve lost confidence after repeated setbacks, how does being told to “believe in yourself” restore it? And if you already know you’re overthinking, does being told to stop make any difference?
I’m not suggesting that encouragement or motivation has no value. Sometimes a few reassuring words are exactly what we need.
The difficulty begins when we mistake encouragement for a solution.
In my work, I’ve noticed that people often understand their difficulties better than we assume. They know they’re overthinking, getting defensive, postponing decisions or struggling to maintain a routine. Some can even explain why they respond that way.
Yet when a similar situation occurs, they find themselves doing much the same thing again.
That gap between understanding something and responding differently is what I find particularly interesting about mindset.
When Familiar Advice Meets Real Life
Consider these four situations. They’re illustrative, but you may recognise something familiar in one or more of them.
Your Boss Appreciates the Idea. But Your Colleague Gets the Credit.
You’ve spent considerable time developing an idea for a project. You’ve discussed it with a colleague, shared your reasoning and helped work through how it could be implemented.
A few days later, during a meeting, your colleague presents the idea without acknowledging your contribution.
Your boss appreciates it. The meeting moves on.
You don’t say anything, although you’re clearly upset.
The meeting may be over, but it isn’t over in your mind. You keep going back to what happened. Did your colleague deliberately take credit? Does your boss know whose idea it was? Should you confront your colleague? Would speaking up make you look petty?
Before long, the incident starts affecting how you feel about your work and the people around you.
Someone notices and tells you, “Don’t overthink it. Think positive.”
But what’s positive about a colleague taking credit for your work?
The incident deserves attention. You may have been treated unfairly. But repeatedly replaying the meeting and deciding how to address what happened are two different things.
You know your contribution wasn’t acknowledged. What you don’t necessarily know is your colleague’s intention or what your boss understood.
Recognising that distinction opens up other possibilities. You don’t have to choose between silently accepting the situation and having an angry confrontation.
You could document your contribution, speak to your colleague or clarify your involvement with your boss. If it becomes a recurring pattern, firmer action may be necessary.
Your colleague may not respond well. The workplace dynamics may remain difficult.
But instead of spending another evening replaying the same meeting, you’ve begun addressing the problem.
You haven’t become more positive about the incident. You’ve reconsidered how to respond to it.
Five Years Away From Work. “Who Will Hire Me Now?”
Imagine a woman who took a five-year career break to raise her children. She’s now ready to return to work.
She finds an opening that interests her. The role is close to what she used to do, but the description mentions tools and skills she hasn’t used recently.
She reads it twice and closes the page.
Five years is a long time to be away from an industry. Things have changed. Some skills may need updating, and returning to work after a break isn’t always straightforward.
But somewhere along the way, these genuine concerns have become a much bigger conclusion: no employer will be interested in her.
So she keeps browsing opportunities without applying.
Her friends encourage her. “You have so much experience. Just believe in yourself!”
She appreciates the encouragement. But the hesitation returns the next time she sees a job opening.
What if she is waiting to feel confident before allowing herself to apply?
And how will she discover what employers are actually looking for if she never tests her assumptions?
She could begin by examining her experience more objectively. Which skills remain relevant? What genuinely needs refreshing? Which requirements are essential, and which could be learned along the way?
Updating her CV, speaking with someone currently working in the industry and applying for suitable roles would give her something she doesn’t have today: real feedback.
She may face rejection. She may need to revise her approach. She may also discover opportunities she hadn’t considered.
The career break hasn’t disappeared. Neither have the challenges of returning to employment.
But she’s no longer making every decision on the assumption that nobody will hire her.
And perhaps confidence can begin developing through those experiences rather than being something she has to find before taking the first step.
Your Mother-in-Law Makes a Remark. Your Spouse Says Nothing.
You’re at a family gathering when your mother-in-law makes a critical remark about how you’re raising your child.
The comment hurts, but you don’t respond. Your spouse is sitting beside you and remains silent.
You get through the evening. Once you’re home, however, the argument begins.
“You never support me when your family says something.”
Your spouse replies, “I didn’t want to create a scene.”
You feel he’s making excuses. He feels you’re blaming him for something his mother said. Soon you’re arguing about each other’s behaviour rather than what happened at the gathering.
Someone familiar with the family might tell you to “Just let it go.”
I understand why people give that advice. Not every disagreement needs to become a major issue. But when similar incidents keep occurring, letting them go may simply mean carrying the same hurt into the next family gathering.
There’s something worth examining here.
What hurt you most? Was it the criticism about your parenting, being embarrassed in front of others or the feeling that your spouse left you to handle the situation alone?
And what did you conclude from your spouse’s silence?
You may have interpreted it as agreement with his mother. That could be accurate. But perhaps he was uncomfortable, uncertain how to intervene or unaware of how strongly the comment affected you.
Instead of beginning another argument about how he “never” supports you, you could explain what you experienced and ask how he saw the situation.
That conversation may reveal different expectations about handling family disagreements. You might agree on how to respond next time, or recognise that clearer boundaries are necessary.
One conversation won’t necessarily change a longstanding family dynamic. And reconsidering your interpretation doesn’t mean accepting disrespectful behaviour.
The difference is that you’re now addressing a specific concern rather than repeatedly returning to the same argument.
Sometimes a mindset shift helps us understand another person’s perspective. Sometimes it helps us recognise that a boundary needs to be established. The useful response depends on what is actually happening.
One Family Wedding. One High Glucose Reading. “Have I Undone Everything?”
You’ve been making a consistent effort to manage your diabetes. Your prescribed medication, meals, activity and monitoring have become part of a reasonably steady routine.
Then there’s a wedding in the family.
Travel, late nights, irregular meal timings and a busy schedule disrupt your usual routine. Afterwards, a glucose reading is higher than expected.
You’re disappointed and worried.
“After all that effort, I’m back where I started. I can never stay consistent.”
Someone tells you, “You need to stay motivated.”
But you were already motivated enough to make an effort before the wedding. Telling you to stay motivated doesn’t explain how to manage the disruption.
What has happened is that a difficult week has started becoming a judgment about your ability to manage your health.
The higher reading needs appropriate attention. It shouldn’t be dismissed. But one reading doesn’t automatically mean every previous effort has been wasted.
You can review what changed, continue following your prescribed care plan, monitor as advised and consult your healthcare professional about concerning readings or recurring difficulties. You may also need a more practical approach to managing travel, festivals and other occasions when your usual schedule changes.
Diabetes requires proper medical management. A mindset shift is not a treatment for high blood glucose.
But your response to a setback matters too.
If disappointment leads you to blame yourself and disengage from your routine, one difficult week may create further difficulties. If you recognise what’s happened, reconsider what the setback means and take the next appropriate step, you’re better placed to continue managing your health.
The useful change isn’t becoming positive about a high reading. It’s learning how to respond to a setback without turning it into a verdict on yourself.
So, What Do We Actually Mean by Mindset?
These four situations involve very different challenges. Yet there’s something common in how people experience them.
Something happens, and we interpret it. We reach conclusions, anticipate consequences and respond, often influenced by what we’ve experienced or learned in the past.
Sometimes our interpretation is accurate. Sometimes we don’t have the complete picture. And sometimes our first interpretation is so familiar that we don’t even realise we’re making one.
That’s part of what I mean by mindset.
It’s not simply about being positive or negative, optimistic or pessimistic. It’s about the familiar ways we understand situations, form expectations and respond to what happens around us.
Think about the woman returning to work. Her concern about outdated skills was reasonable. But she had begun treating the possibility of rejection as though rejection had already happened.
Or consider the family disagreement. The spouse’s silence became evidence of a lack of support before the two had discussed what it meant.
Our interpretations aren’t necessarily wrong. But when we begin noticing how they influence our responses, we have an opportunity to examine them.
That is where self-awareness becomes important.
Self-Awareness Is Important. But It’s Only the Beginning.
I place considerable value on self-awareness. If we don’t recognise our familiar patterns, it’s difficult to work on changing them.
But I also think we sometimes mistake understanding a problem for making progress on it.
You may know that you become defensive whenever someone questions your decisions. You may recognise that you keep postponing important tasks. You may even understand why.
Now imagine the same situation occurs tomorrow, and you respond exactly as you did before.
Your awareness has improved. That’s valuable. But the familiar response hasn’t changed yet.
Think of driving somewhere and realising you’ve taken a wrong turn. Recognising the mistake matters, but knowing you’re on the wrong road doesn’t get you to your destination. You still need to reconsider the route and take a different turn.
I look at a practical mindset shift in much the same way.
Recognise. Notice what’s happening in your mind and how you’re responding. What have you assumed? What do you usually do when you feel criticised, uncertain, disappointed or uncomfortable?
Reconsider. Examine whether your conclusion is complete and whether your usual response is helping. Is there another explanation, another option or something you haven’t considered?
Act. Try an appropriate response in the actual situation. Observe what happens and adjust if needed.
Let’s return to the colleague who presented your idea.
Recognising that you’ve spent hours replaying the meeting is self-awareness. Realising that you have options beyond staying silent or confronting someone angrily is reconsideration. Deciding to clarify your contribution professionally is action.
The outcome may not be what you hoped for. But you’ve now done something with your understanding.
And that’s the part I believe gets missed when we talk about changing our mindset.
A useful shift doesn’t necessarily happen through one dramatic realisation. Sometimes it develops through several attempts to respond differently to a familiar situation.
The first attempt may work. It may not. We may need to adjust our approach, practise again or seek appropriate support.
And sometimes, examining our response helps us recognise that the problem isn’t primarily about mindset. We may need to address an unfair situation, change an unrealistic plan, establish a boundary or seek medical or other professional help.
Self-awareness helps us understand the pattern. Reconsideration and action are what begin turning that understanding into a practical mindset shift.
What Could You Try Differently?
Think of one situation from the past few days that is still on your mind. Perhaps a disagreement, a decision you’ve been postponing or something that disrupted your routine.
Start with what actually happened and what you concluded it meant. Are you certain about that conclusion, or have you filled in some gaps yourself?
Then notice how you’ve been responding. Have you been addressing the situation, avoiding it or repeatedly thinking about it without getting any further?
That’s the recognition part.
Now consider whether there’s another useful way to understand or approach the difficulty. You may need more information, another perspective or a more realistic expectation.
Finally, is there something reasonable you can do differently?
It might be a conversation you’ve postponed, an application you haven’t submitted, an adjustment to a routine or a decision to seek appropriate professional support.
You don’t need to solve everything at once. Try what is appropriate, notice what happens and learn from it. If it doesn’t help, reconsider the approach rather than automatically blaming yourself.
That’s much more useful than simply telling yourself to “Think positive.”
From Understanding Yourself to Responding Differently
This practical connection between understanding and action is central to how I approach Personal Growth at IntuiWell.
We begin by understanding the person’s situation and recognising patterns that may be contributing to their difficulties. But I don’t see self-awareness or an interesting insight during a conversation as the end of the work.
What matters equally is what the person can reconsider, what they are willing and able to try, and whether their response begins changing in everyday life.
The approach has to suit the person and the circumstances. Not every challenge is a mindset problem, and sometimes understanding where to begin matters more than introducing another technique.
So the next time someone tells you to “Think positive,” “Stay motivated,” “Believe in yourself,” or “Just let it go,” take that advice with a pinch of salt.
They may mean well. Sometimes those words may even give you the encouragement you need.
But when you’re looking for a practical way forward, don’t stop at understanding why you respond a certain way.
Reconsider what you’ve understood. Try something different where appropriate. And pay attention to what happens afterwards.
Because recognising a pattern is where the journey begins. What you reconsider and do next is what starts changing it.
About the Author
Vallabh Chitnis is Co-Founder of IntuiWell and leads its Personal Growth work. After more than 20 years across product, operations and leadership, he now works with individuals and professionals on practical patterns around decision-making, stress, consistency, boundaries, self-trust and follow-through.
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